i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
