got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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