woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
