I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
