i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Randomize
