Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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