Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
