I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
