why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Why is your signature on my underwear?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
