The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
