Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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