Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
