I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
