I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She bit a glass in half.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize