just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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