so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
