My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
