just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize