if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
