Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
