whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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