I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Randomize
