Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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