So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
