I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
be right there i have to get my cape
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
