I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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