I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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