between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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