My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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