So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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