Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
