You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
