Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
