i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
