Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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