I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
