A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize