We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
