I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize