We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
