The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I think my moral compass just broke
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
