Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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