I forgot how hot balto sounded
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
be right there i have to get my cape
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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