I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
