Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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