I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
