today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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