Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Someone shattered a urinal.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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