Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
