One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
