I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just found puke in my bra..
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
