ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
