At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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