we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Randomize
