I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
