You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I just saw a hot homeless man
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
