that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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