I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
