i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
