Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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