i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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