Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
