Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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