I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
