He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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