I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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