Michael Bay diarrhea
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
