Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
