I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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