I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
