He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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