Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
