Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
